February 13, 2011

I survived the first week!!!

I did it. I got through the toughest and longest week of my life. This was harder than anything I've done before. It was a struggle and each day was like trudging through a muddy marsh with lead boots and heavier and heavier weights added to my pack.

I don't care that it may sound like I'm exaggerating. It felt that hard to me. FUCK! Yes, I had a roof over my head and I had food to eat. This was a voluntary choice for me. It was just bloody tough. A living nightmare.

I admire and have so much respect for the teachers at my school. All teachers. Especially those who teach in schools like mine, where the kids are "behaviourally challenged", where they openly admit to being at school only to receive welfare payments, where they have extreme literacy and numeracy problems, where they struggle because they already support themselves at 15, 16 or as young mums, where it's the only place they'll hear a word of praise or have someone believe in them, or help them, or feel safe... That's just scratching the surface. It can be heartbreaking. The emotional side of this job is overwhelming. How do teachers keep this up?

Each day after class, I came home and crashed. Made dinner. More lesson planning. Sleep. Adrenaline rush, teach. Crash. Repeat. Complete survival mode.
I don't know how I'll face week two. It just has to get better. I have never sworn so much before.

I felt so awful today I ate McDonalds. That's a sure indication I am despairing. Just have to keep trying. I'm determined to learn how to be a better teacher. Right now, I feel like I'm failing my students who want to learn because it's so hard to control those who don't. It has to get better, and it will.

Q

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